3 years

We got the chat last Friday (the rating, the feedback, strengths, weaknesses, impression of the team, how you're feeling etc.), and today we got the number.

A spreadsheet benchmarking the numbers had already been circulated, and this was bang in with the expectations, so I wasn't particularly happy nor sad. But this wasn't the number I knew some people would get, and that I wanted, which was the only number that would have made me happy. And besides, on principle, the number is Never enough.

So I gave my boss the same (somewhat ungrateful and unappreciative sounding) chat back: that I was hoping for more. I'm a simple girl I said, and I like nice round numbers. A little bit more and I would have my round number. And when he said I would reach my magic number with next year's base, I told him, tongue-in-cheek, that we can't consider next year's comps and should look at historic base instead, after all, we need to compare like-for-like (apples with apples) like you've always told us to! :) I tried to sound semi sombre and serious so as not to dilute the message, but at the same time, I didn't want him to truly think I was ungrateful and mercenary. It was a decent, if not spectacular bonus, at least by current market standards.

The truth is, even if I had gotten my round number, and would have been elated, that wouldn't change the fact that I want to leave. We have recently done a round of benchmarking to push for better associate promotion benefits/package, not seriously thinking that it would actually be effective for our year though (the second year analysts, however, may benefit from our efforts next year), but even if they gave us what we asked for, a month off... I don't think I would want to stay on.

It would all be too little, too late: my lousy grade last year; my frustration depression and anger throughout the year for being screwed on my grade, bonus, projects; working too much too long on too boring projects with a difficult senior; the turning down of my request for a rotation to NYC or any London product team; the feeling of being unappreciated by the team and firm-my lack of support and sponsors; and finally too the struggle of seeing Cavé every day has emotionally worn me down.

I am misery personified.

I tell myself how ungrateful I am. It's a vain, hubristic luxury to be frustrated over having a well-paying, "glamourous" (to outsiders), high-flying job, which so many want to get into, and when so many people are jobless or trying to make ends meet. It's the kind of moaning that annoys others: ooh I'm having it so good but am still moaning because I can afford to.

I thought I was greedy enough.

Before I started this job, people I met didn't understand why I wanted to do this. I remember blondie JBS asking me why I wanted to go into banking. It seems so incongruous, you don't seem mercenary at all.

I thought I was mercenary enough. At least I had to pay off my student loan you see. My family home was mortgaged to send me, this little miracle child and princess, to the UK. And I grew up with memories of the recession back home. But now I don't think I am greedy enough.

We went out to celebrate. And there was this discussion about what to buy or how to spend the bonus, and I got really exhausted suddenly. It bored and depressed me. I don't really know what I want to do with my bonus. The last few bonuses have just sat in my account, or gone into my parents' account. I think I bought myself a Swatch Skin for my birthday/bonus before. And it goes on holidays of course. But mostly, I'm waiting to buy a place. I don't quite know what else to spend it on besides travelling and getting new skills/experiences. I'm not that big a consumer at all.

I still want to do something finance-related though, because I like the fact that the industry is a bit more high-pressured, more interesting, and the pay-off is better etc. But I've just realised that I'm not greedy enough to stay in a place that is making me feel miserable.

I've been holding on, at least until my bonus. But now, I just feel like quitting once the money clears in my account, even if I don't have another job in hand. (but what about work permit etc. then??)

A part of me feels happy, light-hearted, that today has come. I've managed to hold on this far. I know now, that I can hold on just a few more weeks, then I would be compensated for my last year. I see the light at the end of this black tunnel. The hope of air to a suffocating person.

Today almost feels more like New Year's to me than New Year did. Not in the spending time with friends respect, but in terms of winding a year down to a close, reflecting on the past year, and looking forward to new things.

That's how I feel. It feels like the communication of this number was almost a rite of passage. I have hereby passed through the hallowed halls of analyst-dom and have been deemed worthy of progressing to the next level. Arise, Sir (Lady?) Associate, and Knight of the Order of Weighty Pitchbooks, Protector of the Honour of the League Table. I bestow upon you the Sacred Key of Weekend Conference Calls, the Shining Shield of Importance, and the Banner of Lost Time.

I'm sorry. It's just not enough.

It's been 3 years. 3 years is a long time. I've given up my life for 3 years, and it was worth it in many ways. I have become more confident, outspoken, met some intelligent, lovely people from different backgrounds which was a real eye-opener. I have grown and developed a lot, and changed too. I've gotten the whole workaholic bug out of my system, learned more about myself, what is important to me. Definitely learnt to appreciate time and life so much more. Build my skills, CV. And as I approach the landmark 25, quarter of a century, I'm having the now proverbial quarter-life crisis.

While I don't regret my 3 years so far, I know that any more time spent in this job will be a waste of my time and life, which would be regrettabble. I know I want to take 6 months to a year off work before I'm 30. People say: we'll see if that actually happens, you're just saying that. But I think I really will, after I get my residence permit (2 more years... hold on, dear one!). I think I started work too young. I never had a chance to really live life, be irresponsible, travel and see the world.

I should be happy that I have a headstart in my career that if I were to climb the corporate ladder, I'd probably be one of the younger achievers. But that's not sustainable. Life will pass me by. And at the end of my life, on my death bed, I'm not going to be counting tombstones and size of my deals.

I hope I get a job soon, before I have to quit anyway. I don't know how my parents will take it if I told them I wanted to just quit, to up and leave. But even if I get job, I'm not sure I'm ready to start working again after a month. I need the time off. To unwind and really contemplate on the direction I'm heading in life.

My chinese portrait was really indicative of my current state of mind: I'm not yet 25 and already burnt out.

Portrait chinois

Hier, dans mon classe français, nous avons joué un petit jeu qui s'appelle "portrait chinois". Mon portrait chinois a m'intriguée parce que je pense il a été très indicatif de mon esprit pendant cette period.

Mon portrait chinois est dessous:
Si j'étais un couleur, je serais bleu
Si j'étais une émotion, je serais confusion
Si j'étais une saison, je serais l'automne
Si j'étais un animal, je serais un oiseau (un faucon pérégrin)
Si j'étais un paysage, je serais une rivière
Si j'étais un lieu, je serais le Karakoram Highway
Si j'étais un vêtement, je serais un chapeau
Si j'étais un meuble, je serais un lit

Q2 2007 summary

It seems like I haven't written in ages. And when I look through my posts, I find that it is true that I have been absent at best. But if I go through the unpublished posts, then I see some posts, or notes-to-self for key events and thoughts that I want to remember when I'm older.

I'm trying to get used to writing again. Simply because it is too easy to slip back into silence. If I keep the silence, I will fall into the habit remaining secretive, not to writing, and with inertia, eventually my words, feelings may get bottled up within again, until I choke on my emotions.

It's funny... how so many things can change and yet not-change within slightly more than a month. The stillness and unchangingness of my work life slowly suffocates me. Life plods along at an achingly slow pace. And yet, events and emotions churn beneath the calm surface, but they churn without getting anywhere. My life is like a boat, tossed about by the turbulence in a child's bathtub. There's action, but no destination, or that's how it seems to me at least.

I'm going to do a a quick run-down of what I've been thinking about/what has happened to me that are significant, or that I wanted to write about:


> General thoughts
- Sarkozy winning the French election: very happy and hopeful
- Starbucks: it's campaign/effort to remain somewhat "local" (why I like it despite it being a big American brand)

> Firsts
- Venice: a watershed trip when I discovered new things about myself, and realised that in some respects, I have changed. I have decided to grow up, be a woman, and made a life style decision (ref: shopping, gondolier). also my thoughts on Venice (ref: tourist city, 60,000 regular residents, sleazy Italian men)
- my first ever concert: Pink Martini @Roundhouse, Camden Town

> Discovery
- that I was adopted: thought about not mentioning it here, because i didn't want to undermine the credibility of my parents, but hey, we're all adults, and while this is not a particularly important piece of news in the sense that it doesn't really make a difference because to me, my parents are still my parents; nonetheless it is a fundamental piece of information that I think my closest friends (who are the primary readers of this site) should know, so there you go.

> Love life
- started trying to date again. Went out with one boy twice, and intend to see him again, which will be a record first (otherwise, my record for seeing any boy in a romantic context, bar my Ex, is twice), although strictly speaking, the third time isn't really a date, because, sweet though he is, I've told him that this thing between us is not going anywhere, but I'm happy to meet up as friends to hang out (which is what we might do this Sunday)
- heard rumour (from CK) that the Ex has broken up and broken his bond and is trading in some bank, somewhere out in the world (where?? NYC? London??)
- Cavé has gotten back with his ex, so I'm depressed-ish, despairing etc. although increasingly i find myself wondering (on occasion) why I like him at all

Work
- started my job search in earnest this time. it's not very easy and somewhat depressing. I forgot how much I hated job-hunting and how stressful it was. the problem is i don't quite know what I want to do. all i know is that i want out now, almost no matter where. i need to find something i like to do, and almost anything else has a better chance of giving me happiness than what i do now, which i definitely know i don't like. and anything else means that i'll get Cavé out of my face

there's a lot of uncertainty in my life at the moment, and while i'm not great at dealing with uncertainty, i'm learning to go with the flow. the biggest unknown i care most about and want to most quickly resolve right now is the job situation. i want to change it, in the belief and hope that once i change it, things will fall into place - my work motivation and general energy levels will improve, i will be more emotionally stable and maybe fall in love, i have sufficient job security to buy a place of my own.

admittedly, if i found a boy, it would solve a lot of my problems too: i will be happy enough in my love life not to care so deeply about work, i will be emotionally stable, i won't feel a need to buy a place asap.

but on balance, i think it's easier, more likely (and better for long term career planning) to get a job than a boyfriend, hence my pursuit of that route.

i Will find a job soon and Will change my job.